From Victim to Victor – Overcoming Victim Mentality

It’s inevitable that not everyone will like us or that bad things can happen to good people. Most of us accept it, figure out what we can do to solve the problem and move on with our lives. But if you find that bad things happen to you more than other people, that nothing ever goes right in your life, that you struggle more than those around you who are succeeding, that you’re constantly in conflict and the whole world seems to be against you, a victim mindset may be the reason.

It can crop up in every aspect of your life. Your partner is disrespectful or downright abusive. Someone didn’t follow up on their end and your project is late. You got overlooked for a promotion because the boss has a grudge against you. Your friends have distanced themselves because someone’s been gossiping about you. Regardless the situation, the blame lies with someone else.

If you act like a victim, you are likely to be treated as one.

Paolo Coelho

Those who recognize it in others may wonder why anyone would want to play the victim. In many cases, it may not be a conscious choice. Often a person may not realize they have a victim mindset. Their perception is likely developed in childhood, learned from observing parents in a disfunctional relationship. A child may have dicovered complaints and crying was a way to get attention from a primary caregiver. The mentality might have formed through trauma and mental health issues like depression or anxiety can exacerbate the feeling of victimization. Often, there are benefits to a person with a victim mentality that can reinforce the behaviour.

Always with a story to share of the latest drama in their lives, victims garner attention and sympathy from those around them. People are drawn to the underdog and want to help. When people are sympathetic, they will give you what you want – time, attention, affection, and even money if a good story is attached to the go-fund-me.

The victim never has to take responsibility if what’s happened is always someone else’s fault. They have ready-made excuses for why they aren’t succeeding and they get to take the moral high ground against those who’ve harmed them.

With all these benefits, why be anything else?

Because they don’t last.

Any benefits of playing the victim are short-lived. Long term, victim mentality leads to damaged relationships, lack of trust, and isolation.

Friends and family members will begin to feel manipulated and pull away. You’ll have to constantly find new people to listen to your stories of woe. Trust will be lost and relationships will likely fail. Work opportunities will suffer if you consistently fail to follow through.

Victimhood creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. As long as you believe you are a victim, you will view every situation as one of victimization. Ultimately, the victim mentality will hinder your success in life and you will be stuck while others move on.

If you recognize yourself, there are ways to change the narrative from one of victim to victor.

• Decide that you are worthy of better.
• Take responsibility for where you are in life and where you want to be. The only person who can change things is you.
• Recognize that you have a choice in how you respond to what is happening around you.
• Acknowledge that you have control over how you choose to interpret the situation and question your perception of it.
• Practice gratitude. When you’re focussed on the good in your life, there is little left for the bad.
• Determine your values. When you know what’s important to you, you’re less likely to accept less.
• Look for the lesson. In every experience, there is an opportunity to learn and grow.
• Ask for help. If your victim mentality stems from trauma, you made need the help of a therapist to reframe your experience.

When you take control of your life and refuse to be a victim, you develop confidence, discover your strength, and create relationships based on mutual respect and consideration.

When you complain you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation, change the situation or accept it, all else is madness.

Eckhart Tolle   

Life Lessons from Camino de Santiago

elevation to the peak of the Roncesvaux pass. My initial excitement melted into a puddle of doubt. Pain lay ahead, I was sure, as I took the first steps forward, leaning into the slope, toes pointed north towards my knees.

I climbed slowly and when I arrived in Roncesvalles, I stayed behind, “shoulding” on myself while other pilgrims made their way to Pamplona.  I should be back in Vancouver. I should be getting a job.  I should be looking for a place to live.  What exactly am I trying to accomplish here? 

Fear and doubt are very normal emotions when you step out of your comfort zone and embark on a new path.  You may have gotten started only to encounter an obstacle you overlooked in the planning.  You may be suffering imposter syndrome, doubting your abilities.  Or, like me, questioning your own sanity to embark on such a fool’s escapade.

Overcoming that initial self-doubt and getting back on track isn’t that hard.

Share your doubts

Talking about your fears and doubts out loud can help identify the block and reignite the passion that drew you to your path to begin with. 

Write it Down

Writing down your thoughts, doubts and fears can have the same benefits as talking to a friend.  Once you see them in writing, challenge them with all the benefits you’ll enjoy when you achieve your goal.   Seeing the benefits in writing will help you find your resolve.

Focus on What You Can do Today

The destination you choose may be far in the future and thinking about all you have to do to get there can be overwhelming. When you focus on what you can do today, even if it’s one small thing, you create momentum that propels you forward.

Visualize Success

The power of visualization can overcome many obstacles.  Take some time to sit in silence, close your eyes and imagine you’ve already achieved your goal. 

Recommit to your plan

Understand that what you’re experiencing is normal and that you have the power within you to create the life you want for yourself.  Recommit to your path and take that next step forward. 

In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.

Eleanor roosevelt

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